States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
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If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?