States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
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As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Tastes like chicken.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.