*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
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Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”