Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE