*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
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Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Geez man, take it easy.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.