statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
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“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.