statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
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Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
If they don鈥檛 want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
December birthdays be like…
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Remember when the internet didn鈥檛 exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
What鈥檚 the best registration plate you鈥檝e seen?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 馃槄
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.