statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
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in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Delightful if true: booby trap.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
