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Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
🤣🤣🤣
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Wait for it
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.