Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
You Might Also Like
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
starting a garage orchestra
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
the dark web is just a goth google.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?