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Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Bringing back this classic
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman