Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
