Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.