Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
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HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
why neck hurt
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
💀💀💀💀
