Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
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Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Erm I’m gonna say no
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣