Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

his wife is probably gonna see that

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*