Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?