Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

thanks auntie mary

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

RT if you could go either way.

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

good for her

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.