Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

i dont have time for this

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please