Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.