Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.