Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…

Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”

Baker: “What type do you want sir?”

Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Woke up with morning Yule Log

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that