Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.