Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.