Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1067629293792940032/pu/vid/720x1280/xBb1In5ui4ycmtq6.mp4?tag=5

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?