Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

What legos do when we’re not looking.

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face