Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

ㅤ

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?