Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

💻🤡

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted