DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
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[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.