“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.