Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

I think I’ll stand

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you