STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
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6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.