Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.