Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

🤔😂😂

perfect

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.