Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
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[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?