Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Proctologist = Analyst
go easy on yourself <3
Worst bar ever.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes