Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
You Might Also Like
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.