Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

lost dog

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job