Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

what do you want!!!!!!!!

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

Does it…does it take 3 days

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed