Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Covid like

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.