Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.