Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
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Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
PLOT TWIST:
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Damn he played himself
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave