Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
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Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
This is always good for a laugh.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.