Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
You Might Also Like
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf