Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

pls suprot

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

These are so Plastic Man-core

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

This is a genius move

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table