Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’