“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
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Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Only a mother’s love …
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.