stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.