stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”