Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

This will never not be funny to me.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.