stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.