Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
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My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.