Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
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Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.