Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
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*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
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*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road