“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
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Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.