“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
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DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I wish this was real life…
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior