Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.