Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Finally, an explanation.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
This is so wrong 😂
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
