Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
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Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?