If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.