Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

What the hell happened here.

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”