STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
forgive me baja for i have blast
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
lmfao
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.