Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
![]()
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two