Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
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8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
lol
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.