Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
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I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
dutch so unserious
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex