Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

This is true.

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.