staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
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Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Well, this explains it:
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I have a black belt in leather
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!