Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

Put the is in disheveled

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

adam and eve had first world problems

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.