staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
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[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
m’lady
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Your secret is safeish with me
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done