Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
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well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: