Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Godspeed, John Glenn
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Beware of the dog..
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
