Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
i wish we could shoplift online
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
technique
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
