Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*