Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
You Might Also Like
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Rooting for the overdog
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.