Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
