Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
