Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
