Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
