Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
