Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
