Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
