Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
