Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*