Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

Very problematic

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”